Stuck in a rut.

stuck in a rut

Few weeks ago I had a nice conversation with my sister and somehow the topic steered toward my blog. She mentioned that she misses my girl-talk and relationships posts that I used to write when I first started blogging. I honestly haven’t noticed that these two categories have been neglected by me for the past year. I think that I sort of felt that since my blog started growing, I should blog in a certain way. When I first started my blog nearly two years a go (!) I wanted it to be a place where I could connect to other girls, where I could talk not only about beauty, food and fashion, but also life itself. I wanted to talk about my own life experiences, hear about others’ and share advice and inspiration with my readers. Somehow along the way I lost a bit of that “authenticity”. My dear friend Sophie recently wrote a great article about honesty that truly inspired me to make a change.

Ever since I jumped on the whole “positivity” train, I started avoiding negative places, thoughts, feelings and people and I can honestly say that I have never been happier. Last week, however, I’ve hit some kind of a “low” and had really bad few days (you know, those days when you don’t feel like doing much, can hardly get out of bed, feel sorry for yourself and have to force a smile.. we’ve all been there). I think that we all go through these feelings and emotions sometimes, so it’s most certainly something worth talking about.

Relationships with others are very important, but I think that THE most important relationship in our lives is the one that we have with ourselves. Last week when I was lying in bed on a Sunday afternoon, trying to decide whether or not I should get up, I came to a sudden conclusion that while I feel like I’m sitting in my mind-made-prison, I’m the one holding the key to that cage. It didn’t matter how many times someone tried to comfort me, or cheer me up. I didn’t feel any better until I, myself, decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. You know that saying “fake it ‘til you make it”? That’s exactly what I did to get out that rut that I found myself in. I literally forced myself out of bed and decided to challenge myself a bit. I went for a run, finally finished that book that has been sitting on my coffee table for months, cleaned the entire house, cooked a nice meal, I wrote in my journal, drafted a few blog posts, did some office work, took my dog for a walk and by the time the day ended, I was not only exhausted, but I felt better. I decided to keep trying, no matter how hard it seemed. All of a sudden, all those mean things that I’ve been telling myself in my mind for the last couple of days seemed so harsh and unnecessary.

I read a book few years ago, and for the love of me I cannot remember what book it was (it was most definitely one of those self-help books that I am obsessed with) but there was one thing that really stuck with me, and somehow it just came to my mind that Sunday evening. The author was talking about thinking of yourself as a child, seeing a young version of yourself and asked the question “Would you tell this little girl/boy that she/he is worthless? Would you tell her/him that she/he is stupid? Would you let them feel sad and feel stuck, or would you try to cheer them up and show them how beautiful and full of love life is?” I immediately pictured myself as that skinny little girl with long brown hair, wearing one of those red, puffy dresses that she hated so much, sitting in her room watching over her little sister. Then I saw myself standing over her, telling her how much I’m disappointed in her, how she should get her shit together instead of sitting here feeling sorry for herself. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?

I’m not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is. I guess I just wanted to let you know that you really do need to keep trying, no matter how hard it seems. You are unique and nothing can replace you. Don’t compare your journey to others and stop worrying what everyone else is doing, we all walk a different path, we all have something special to offer to the world. Do things that make you happy, compliment others, take risks and make mistakes; most importantly love yourself and realize how precious your are.

  • This post is amazing, Paula, no wonder your sister misses them! You’re completely right, you wouldn’t tell a young child they’re worthless, no one ever deserves to hear that – especially from themselves. Having said that, there have been days where I find myself saying the same thing, and I realise it is wrong. If we don’t love ourselves, how are we going to improve?
    Thank you so much for this post, it really puts things into perspective and I hope you have an amazing day <3
    xoxo,

    BerryBloomXO.com | Beauty & Lifestyle Blog 

    • Aww thank you so much Puja, your kind words mean so, so very much to me! <3

  • Liz@LamentingLizzie

    This is the most real, honest thing I have read in a long while. And I am so grateful for it. We have all had times when we are just in a bad mood that seems to last a lifetime, but you are absolutely right. We have our own keys.

    http://lamentinglizzie.blogspot.com

    • Aww thank you Liz!! It was a little hard to write, but I’m glad I did!

  • It takes serious guts to be so frank and honest Paula, and you’ve conveyed your emotions, thoughts, feelings and truths ever so clearly straight from your heart into these wonderful words. That’s why I fell in love with your blog in the very first place. I remember how comforting it felt, unearthing such a treasured blog in a sea of sameness. I couldn’t believe how much your personality shone through your words, I’d only just clicked onto your blog and already I felt I’d engaged with the real “you”, a friendly, loving, spirited girl that seemed so reachable and relevant yet so totally unique and unparalleled. Please don’t ever think that stopped, Paula. It doesn’t matter whether you talk about emotions, like you have done here, or a brand of lipstick; what matters is that you always win, simply because you have an amazing, inspirational way of speaking from the heart, always with warmth and with friendly, reachable vibes that are so rare yet so meaningful.

    I definitely related to a lot of what you said in this post. We definitely put way too much pressure on ourselves sometimes. Back when I started soinspo I could more or less write anything, safe in the knowledge that next to no one would be looking. I used to post photos at lightening speed, scribble down what I wanted and hit “post” without a second thought. Now it’s such a different story. On one hand I feel “safe”, “at home” and “comforted” to post photos of myself online (it doesn’t feel alien anymore like it used to, now it feels like the norm, and I feel as I said, at home doing so and I love that feeling), but on the other I pressure myself to keep striving to do better, to be better. I deliberate and hesitate so much over each post, often really anxious that they’ve got to be perfect, better than the last and if they aren’t then I might as well not hit publish at all.

    I’m so proud of you Love, always. It makes me so happy to hear that you lifted your spirits and really felt better for it. I’ve just come to the realisation that we need to be kind to ourselves, and you’re so right in saying the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. I read a quote recently and it was basically saying if you need love, encouragement, support, belief and faith, then we can depend on ourselves to get it. It really stuck with me, and I really believed in it. It was really touching what you wrote about picturing yourself as a little girl, and the things you saw yourself saying to her. So thought-provoking.

    Keep “following your bliss” Paula. You deserve all the happiness, love, success and positivity in the world & know that you are amazing, inside and out. Believe in yourself, always. Hold your head up high and never, ever forget how brave, bright and beautiful you are! Love you <3 <3 <3

    Sophie xo

    • Ahh my dear Sophie, can’t thank you enough for being such a great support. I’m so happy that you think that about my blog, I feel that sometimes I don’t really feel free to by “myself” and just get lost at times. Means so much to me that you think that my personally does shine through it all.

      I’m definitely guilty of putting myself down constantly, but I’ve gotten so much better over the years. I don’t really like talking about things that are so personal and don’t want to seem like a negative person, but I figured that there is a small chance that someone who stumbles upon this post will feel similar way and if I can be a comfort to them, then it’s all that counts.

      Right back at you Sophie, I think we all are deserve happiness and love, we just need to realize that an not settle for anything less. Love you more! <3 :*

  • I have just started following your blog and this is the second post I have read, love it and can relate so much! I have days like this but have a gorgeous happy little one year old angel who never fails to lift my spirits. I do tend to get (really) lazy when I feel down though, and although I make sure everything is great for my girl and my boyfriend, I just forget about me! Just reading the part of your post where you talk about all the things you did with your day when you took control really motivated me!

    Thanks for this post ☺️

    • Aww thanks so much Kara! Such a blessing to have your little girl who is your world and who always puts a smile on your face :). Taking care of yourself is very important, when you’re rested, happy and motivated, you can only give your best to others.

      Thank you so much for reading!!

      • You’re welcome Paula and I couldn’t agree more-look after yourself and the refs starts to fall I to place all on its own! I have only been blogging for two weeks but want one of my regular posts to be ‘motivational Monday’s’ which are kind of a little pick me up at the start of the week. If you have a spare minute you can read my first one on my blog http://www.spreadthesparkleblog.wordpress.com
        Thanks again

        • That’s a great idea, good luck with your blog! Will check it out with pleasure! ;)

          • Thanks ☺️